I won't bored you all with the details of the last two weeks. It was long, sordid, and the police were involved. Truth to tell, I really don't want to fucking talk about it here. What I do want to talk about is my diet.

   I may or may not have mentioned it in a previous issue, but I was recently diagnosed with diabetes. It's type 2, fortunately, instead of type 1, which means that I can control it with pills and my diet as opposed to having to take shots. That's the good news. I hate needles. The bad news is that I am having to drasticly alter my diet in order to get my blood sugar under a certain amount of control. Thanks to my height and frame, I've been put on a 2000 calorie diet by my doctor... the problem isn't the amount. It's what I have to eat.

   See, I am a junk-food junkie. I love my junk food. I love candy bars, chips, and convenience foods of all kinds. I rarely eat fruits and vegetables, and Mace consuming a salad is absolutely unheard of. Given my choice, I'd take a Milky Way over a chicken filet any day of the week. Unfortunately, I apparently cannot live like that anymore.

   Among the casualties of war here are the following favorite foods of mine: Candy of all types. Anything high is carbs, such as potatoes, chips, etc. Virtuely all fast food (no more Big Macs). Anything high in fat, which is pretty much the vast majority of what I eat. No more sugar in my coffee. No more non-diet soda. And last but not least, alcohol.

    ARGH!!!!!!

   That's right, intrepid readers. Alcohol, as it turns out, fucks with your blood sugar hardcore. As a result, Mace has inadvertantly been put unwillingly on the wagon. Needless to say, this is making my decidedly grumpy.

   My initial stab at getting into the swing of things met with disasterous results. I was at work, getting ready to buy my lunch, and I decided on a "Smart Ones" tv dinner and a bag of low carb barbecue soy chips...

    *Insert vomiting sounds here*

   This was easily the worst meal I've ever eaten in my long, sad life, including some of the ones where I was homeless and eating out of garbage cans. The tv dinner was at least an interesting experience as it had the consistancy of chicken and noodles in basil sauce, but actually had no taste whatsoever. None. I was fucking amazed. The soy chips on the other hand can only be discribed as taste-bud abuse. They were crispy, but the taste was... diabolical. This is what I image a barbecued dick would taste like. I actually passed the bag around the room so everybody at lunch could try them and feel my pain. Misery loves company.

   I had an appointment with my doctor's dietician shortly after this must unholy meal. She said that I had the right idea, but went about it the wrong way. She gave me an exhaustive list of do's and don'ts and a few recommendations on foods that are reasonably health and don't taste like ass. She also gave me a glucometer and some other diabetic stuff. But in the end, it looks like I'm joining out with "Low Carb Craze" whether I like it or not.

   Damn you, Dr. Atkins.

   Damn you with a stick.

   I’d really like to sate our readers with an angst-ridden, "love sucks," kind of article for this week. But I’m not single, so I can’t gripe a whole hell of a lot. Fret not , though, friends. I do have a complaint. Having a significant other is a bit of a burden as well. That’s right, love costs fucking money. You don’t believe me? Take Valentine’s day alone. There are lots of things to buy. You’ve got cards, flowers, candy, jewelry, stuffed animals in varying shades of pink and red. God help you if have a long distance relationship. Then there’s postage, phone, and travel expenses to cover too.

   Your average couples’ night out for dinner runs about forty dollars, bare minimum. That’s not including any alcoholic beverages that may be consumed too. Seriously, unless you totally cheap ass out on your date by taking them to Taco Bell™ or something, (which by the way if your looking to keep said significant other or hoping to get laid I do NOT recommend pulling a cheap out) your looking to take a good chunk out of your monetary supply. This all adds up too. Say you take your date out once a week at fifty dollars a pop for a month. Congratulations pal, you’ve just blown two hundred dollars.

   So, now that you’ve wooed your significant other enough to secure a long term relationship. Now comes the beginning of the really expensive habit, anniversaries. That’s right more cards, more gifts, more dinners out. What, you thought you were in the clear? Ha! Oh, no my friend you’ve only begun to scratch the surface on your new found debt.

   This stuff usually leads to further commitment. This is where you start buying her jewelry. Yes, things like engagement rings. And further down the road, a wedding ring. This is the start of a lifetime of expensive shit. It starts off simple enough with the ring. What harm could a ring do, right? It’s just a little band of metal that looks nice, right? No, dear friends, this thing is like that ring in the Tolkien series. It will consume you and your bank account.

   Taking the final plunge into marriage. You then share each other’s bills. Yeah you still have to keep buying those gifts too. Still thought you were out of the woods huh? No such luck. No, now you have birthdays, anniversaries and bills. Rent (or mortgage), utilities, groceries, doctor’s bills. God forbid you have pets or children then you have to pay for that shit too.

   So from a financial stand point it’s far cheaper to be single and not pony up for dinners and such. But alas, damn that need to have a companion, or at the very least a good lay. What’s my advice? Make sure you’ve got some money squirreled away if you really want a relationship.

Funny Photo of The Week