March 9, 2005

    As a matter of fact, you can just take for granted that anything you see from me, be it article or comic strip was done while I was completely nude. This helps the creative process, as it's very freeing, but it's a bitch funiture-wise.

    Seriously, I have to get a new office chair every few months...

    Anyways, YES, the fucking update is late yet again, but this week I have good reason. This week I finally straightened out the medical situation that I've bitched about so often in this very forum. This meant that I was required to be awake durring many more daylight hours than I usually like. Most of those hours were spent in doctor's offices, and since the screen on my laptop is completely fried I didn't get a lot of quality coding time in. But I'm here now dammit, and my delay was fortuitous for two reasons.

    The first being that someone got in touch with Krakhaus for me and got us an article for this week.

    The second being that the go between was our very own executive officer Mace, who will be making his triumphant return to the site next week as he somehow managed to get himself thrown out of jail.

    I'll let him tell the story next week. Till then we have another great article and comic strip, so read-up you bastards!

   I’m Ford W. Maverick, and I’ll see you in hell.

   I'll be the one that's naked on a task chair.

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I Thought Pauly Shore Was Dead.
by Krakhaus.


    When emergency deadlines loom, and the editor rises up in righteous anger it can mean only one thing: NEWS OF THE STUPID! When there is no time for genuine creativity I can always count on real world events to be more fucked up than anything I could think of on such short notice. As the Bard says, “Truth is stranger than fiction.”

    No Shoes, No Shirt, No Bipedal Locomotion.

    Recently at a Westfield Shopping town in Melbourne, Australia two brothers who each suffer from muscular dystrophy were utilizing the mall’s customer service wheelchairs to aid in their shopping endeavors. As they attempted to leave the mall Westfield security refused to allow them use of the wheelchairs out to the parking lot, forcing one of the brothers to drag himself out to their car so they could return home.

    Now I know that Australia was founded as a penal colony, but I doubt it’s necessary to count the silverware every time someone visits your place of business. I work at a Westfield Shopping town and at the ones here in America if all the Security Guards do is strip you of your dignity you should consider yourself lucky. Around here they stalk and sexually harass your employees because the local hiring policy tends more towards overweight virgins than staunch defenders of public safety. I realize being a mall security guard is tough, it’s got to be difficult dealing with unruly urban youth with only some mace to defend yourself with, but it’s no excuse to be a dick. Someone in a position of authority should realize that these guards are the public face of your mall and act accordingly to prevent these misuses of authority.

    It was quite easy to find a buyer for that particular item …

    Two weeks ago a female bottle nosed whale wandered into the Thames River and got trapped near central London. It died before rescue teams could guide it out to sea. A purported member of that rescue team claims to have harvested the whale’s soul and is selling it on E-bay. He claims that the proceeds will benefit other Bottle nosed whales, of course he also refers to the whale as a “he”, a strange way to refer to a female. I’m curious as to the use and application of a whale’s soul. Can I use it to power a hybrid car to improve my gas mileage? Can I trade it for some ALF pogz? Perhaps it can be sacrificed to the dweller in the deeps in some sort of eldritch Lovecraftian ritual. What sort of market is there for such an item? Didn’t 80’s heavy metal icons require souls to produce their unholy music? If anyone out there knows, head over to E-bay, so far there has been only one bid, for $1.00.

    There’s something familiar about this story …

    A 20-year-old New York man was recently convicted of violating a restraining order involving his girlfriend. The presiding judge gave him the choice of probation, or joining the United States Army. Now if anything about this is sparking your memory you might recall that this is frighteningly similar to the plot of 90’s Pauly Shore flick “In the Army Now.” This sets a disturbing precedent of using the exploits of the “Weasel” as a template for modern American justice. Can we afford a justice system that sends prisoners to the Bio-Dome? I’ve never even seen “Jury Duty”, but I’m sure they can harvest all sorts of legal ideas from that box-office bomb. Perhaps this alternative form of justice could be applied to other defendants facing unsavory sentences. Not that I know anyone like that.

    That’s gonna wrap it up for another week here at Terribly Wrong. I’m sure you’ll be seeing another article from yours truly when you and (most importantly) I least expect it.

    Krakhaus

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