March 5, 2006

    Well, this is it, folks. Zero hour has arrived once again, and I will shortly be headed back to my home away from home. I.E. Warren County Jail. When they let me out 5 weeks ago, I didn't have a big problem with going back. I mean, it really isn't that bad. You get to read as much as you want. You don't have much in the way or responsibility, It's really just a highly structured vacation... unless there is someone out here that you've grown to love.

    Then, jail is hellish.

    Anyway, yes. We're late to press again. Shocked? Well, you shouldn't be. I've been trying to cram as much living as I can into the past few weeks, and have done so in true Terribly Wrong Online fashion! I've been spending every possible minute with my friends, and my daughter, and, of course, The Dancer. (Yes, you guessed it folks. The tone of last weeks issue of TWO was a direct result of that wonderful, gorgeous woman's actions.) I also managed to get a kick-ass tattoo of Elwood on my left bicep. Needless to say, Ford is absolutely thrilled with the prospect of his artwork walking around on somebody's flesh. Turns out, the Imp's (remember the Imp?) new boyfriend is one hell of a tattoo artist. Click the thumbnail on the left if you wanna see the results of his and Ford's labors and my pain.

    So, why didn't I get the update done on Friday night? Well, what can I say? There was a lot of work to do, gathering parts and whatnot. Bby the time 4:00am rolled around, I was ready to quit for the night. I wanted to put together a really kick-ass issue for my last one as a free man before Ford takes the reigns again. Saturday? Well, if you click the thumbnail to your right, you'll see exactly why absolutely nothing contructive got done on Saturday night. It was to be my last weekend as a free man. Can you blame me for wanting to spend it partying with friends and in the company of two most gorgeous women I know? I didn't think so. (Yes, folks, even as hung up on The Dancer as I am, even I will admit that Descending Angel is drop-dead gorgeous. Not as gorgeous as Dancer, but I digress.)

    At any rate, we ended up with a great issue for you this week. Ford has stayed true to form in that he produced a killer comic strip this week, as well as putting out an abbsolutely awesome article about those annoying "Truth" ads we have been seeing all over our air-waves. Bet you didn't think we'd ever get around to attacking these guys, did you? Also this week, Nikkita regails us with her article on the joys and pains of meeting men on the internet. Everything else is pretty standard fair this week, but I'm sure you'll enjoy it nonetheless.

    Anyway, Next week, you folks will be babck in Ford's capabble hands, and I will be in an orange jump-suit, missing my daughter, my family, my friends and my Dancer. Wish me luck.

    Oh...

    And last time before I go...

    Fuck you, Sam Walton.

    Fuck you with a stick.



-Mace

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Truth?
By Ford W. Maverick,
Senior Youth Smoking Correspondent


For some time now our government has been waging a campaign to save us from ourselves. You know our government? The one that the Vice President of just shot a man in the face with a shotgun? They’re going to regulate safety to us.

Feel that sensation? The one that feels like grave apprehension? That’s safety.

So in their efforts to save us from ourselves they’ve decided that they can do whatever the fuck they want. The ends justify the means. So if they want to tell children that smoking marijuana funds terrorists and you can catch AIDS from the tears of the infected, well then it’s just for our own goddamn good isn’t it?

Yeah, that’s sarcasm.

One of the issues that’s been bugging me is the anti-smoking lobby. Am I against smoking? Obviously not. I think it’s a damn stupid thing to do and it’s not healthy, but it’s nobody’s business if you want to do it. People have a right to do whatever goddamn stupid thing to themselves that they want to do. To me that includes drug use, suicide and prostitution too, but we can talk about those things later.

Right now I wanna talk about these goddamn anti-youth-smoking ads. Yeah, the government hasn’t shredded enough of the constitution yet to allow themselves to attack every aspect of smoking, but YOUTH smoking is illegal and they can attack that all they want.

Now I do want to point out that even though I draw cartoons of children and animals smoking, I DO NOT advocate children smoking. I DO, however, advocate animals smoking because it’s funny and it gives the meat a delightful flavor…

My problem with the anti-smoking commercials is that they’re stupid. Remember the anti-drug commercial in the 80’s? Brain, frying-pan, this is your brain on drugs? Simple, tells the story. Now we have smart-ass teenagers in the streets with hospital gurneys and shit-talking about secondhand smoke will kill you quicker than a bullet. They’re stupid and they LIE.

The worst one by far has a herd of cattle walking down a city street. One of them has a Marlboro Man look-alike on his back. Why are all the commercials on a city street? Apparently that’s where all the smokers in the world live. That, or those are the only smokers the makers of the commercial give a damn about. Anyways, a smart-ass kid with an undeserved sense of accomplishment says through a bullhorn:

“Here’s something you won’t hear Big Tobacco talk about. Every day, cows pass methane gas through, you know where.”

I’d like to pause for a second to point out that:

#1) It’s not really ‘Big Tobacco’s’ job to keep us all informed on the state of cow flatulence in America, that’s the job of the global warming people.

And

#2) That it’s OK to show a close-up of a cow’s ass in a TV commercial, but it’s not OK to say ASS.

Anyways, it goes on:

“But that’s not the only place you’ll find methane. It’s also found in cigarette smoke.”

Huh?

“So maybe the Marlboro man would be more comfortable riding a cow?”

What the fuck? How the hell is that relevant to ANYTHING? I mean, if there were only two sources of Methane gas in the world then it would be a very valid point, but more methane comes from human farts than from cigarette smoke, let alone cow-asses.

Here are the top sources of methane production according to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA):

http://www.epa.gov/methane/sources.html

And here’s a list of some of the 4,000 chemicals that are supposedly in cigarette smoke

http://quitsmoking.about.com/cs/nicotineinhaler/a/cigingredients.htm

As of press-time I was unable to find a breakdown of these chemicals in parts per million. In fact, it was exceedingly difficult just to find a complete list of all 4,000 of these chemicals in cigarette smoke.

My research did show that several of these chemicals are present in ‘clean’ air and water, while others are produced when you burn anything, not just tobacco. Cigarettes are not the source of these chemicals in the environment. At worst they contribute to the presence of these substances, but you’re breathing them right now whether you like it or not.

I wanted to go through the list point by point, but not only was I unable to find the 4,000 chemicals listed by volume, I was also unable to find the EPA guidelines for acceptable chemical amounts in ‘clean’ air. It’s almost as if someone doesn’t want us to find them…

CONSPRACY MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Now there’s something you won’t hear ‘Big TRUTH’ talk about.

Here’s the bottom line kids. Smoking is a stupid thing to do and it’s bad for you. But as Americans you have the right to do it if you goddamn want to. Make an informed choice, but don’t let the government blatantly lie to you. Anyone that tells you they’re robbing you of one of your freedoms ‘for your own good’ is an evil motherfucker and I suggest you stab them in the throat with the nearest pointy object.

I’m Ford W. Maverick, and I’ll see you in hell.

And I’ll be SMOKING, motherfuckers.

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The Pursuit of Booty
By Nikkita


There is a point in ones life, when they realize that they are tired of doing the same ol' same ol'. For me, that hit just recently as I have discovered immense boredom with what I have done for years. Since the year 2000 I have been glued to a computer chair, sitting in front of a screen. Yes, six years of sitting here playing lame video games. Finding odd little sites to look over. And yes, meeting guys. So, as I stated earlier, this all started in the year 2k when i moved from the quaint happy surroundings of Green Bay WI, a place where life was finally starting to get interesting...and everything was set to then move to Durham NC.

Durham, for the past 6 years has looked like hell in a hand basket. People cannot drive, and they are the meanest S.O.B.'s on the face of the earth (no lie. Visit. You’ll see.). So after realizing this early on and seeing it first hand, I landed my sorry ass in front of a computer in search of normal people. Now, I had thought I had found one. Back in 2k met some guy from Ohio who was genuine and all that, met him a few times and I then informed my mother that I intended to move to Ohio to be with him. She couldn’t have that, so instead we took him into our home. Things changed, as they most often do when you get to spend more than a week with someone. He started to be the laziest bastard on earth. He would accuse me of the craziest shit and even on occasion beat the crap out of me. Amusingly, that wasn’t enough for me to dump his sorry ass on the street; instead I let him stay here for a year. At which point I found out that he was using drugs in my home, around my cousins. Amazing the things one finds out. And DAMN why does it take so fucking long!?

Well, the depression from his lame ass drove me onto the net again, at which time I stumbled right onto another guy, from Texas. Oh, he was a looker. How could I pass by such a hot guy!? Well, I didn’t. So, I knew that in order to see him I would basically have to turn my world upside down… Which I did. I moved back home to Green Bay, just so he could visit. Well, he ended up staying. And I had to take care of his juvenile ass for a year while only making 7.50 an hour part-time. But then a stroke of luck came my way and he moved to Alaska and became a bible pusher (no offence).

Yet again, depression and lack of sane people in NC led me on to the net. This time it took a little longer than a few months to find another guy. This time it took me like a year! I was so proud of myself. The amusing thing was that I met this guy on partypoker.com. If that’s not destined for a love match, I don’t know what is! We talked on a messenger for along time, months even before we even spoke on the phone. By this time he had bought a cam so I could watch him hit his bong, and see his X (girlfriend) and (Their) her children run around his house. (He of COURSE slept on the couch). And, this attests to my blindness. Anyway, this guy from Westport, Washington (state that is) at the time owned a bar, but despised it. He hated sending people home drunk, or seeing them hook up with random people, because of the alcohol he gave them. I thought it was SOO noble of him to actually care about people. He also liked cats… huge plus in my book. Eventually, he came up with the bright idea that him and I meet. He decided that we should meet in Vegas.

I was all for it, as I am full of hopes and dreams and never seem to look at the consequences. I decide to hold off on bringing this trip up to my family, as they would probably think i was insane, but when I finally do let them in on it. I allow them to think I want to go and visit in Seattle, Not Vegas. I am a sneaky one! Of course the answer was no… that I must first have him come here to the hell known as, North Cakalaki. So, I talk to him and I try to find a way for him to come here. Conversation after conversation. Less and less is being said. So much so, that I at times sat for hours and just waited for something meaningful to come out of one of our mouths! I still wanted to (get laid) see him, so we worked it out that he could come here for 3 days, all expenses paid - by me. Sounds pretty nice, doesn’t it? He comes and is a diamond in the ruff, a perfect gentlemen, got along great with my family. Everything was perfect! Cept, we still didn’t talk to much, and I didn’t get laid. He goes home to Washington and informs me that he wont be able to talk to me very much as his parents are arriving shortly to assist him in selling his bar, but that we would still go to Vegas. That he loved me, that he would never hurt me. That I was his angel. Awwww *cough* (bullshit) So, I was ok with that. I cant imagine how hard it would be to sell a business, have your parents move in, and be completely in debt. I listened to him when I could and accepted our time apart. Eventually, I stopped receiving any word from him. Then he pops on to tell me that Vegas is off, if he left he would not receive a penny from the sale of the bar.

Ok, i could understand that too. Vegas would still be there after the bar sold, and I could wait. Month goes by, and I receive no word from him. I became distraught. I tried to call him once, but go no answer. Later that week, St. Patrick’s day, i receive an email - "I am far to broke and far to busy for anything right now. I am sorry to have led you to believe I was someone who I am not. I am sorry." And, that was all I heard from him for 6 months. Till recently, this guy has decided that him and I are like bestest friends now! He has even called me and asked me to come see him. Fuck that and Fuck him. So, with all that said, and my ranting complete, I will leave you with a word of advice. Beware that people are not always who they seem. Everyone lies. Big or Small. Everyone lies or has secrets. You just hopefully find them out before it is to late. Cheers!

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Funny Photos of The Week


Photo taken by Mace