August 2, 2006
 Submitted by Broken Halo Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father is a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" Ashley said. "Very good," the teacher replied. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."That was a fine story, Sarah", said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."    By: Reverend Mace Band Profile of the Week By: Reverend Mace http://www.myspace.com/squarepegroundhole I saw these guys at the baha Rock Club in St. Charles, MO last night. Intensity? They've got it! The drummer Bill "Neck-beard The Pirate" Wade is an old buddy of mine and grossly unrates his own proficiency with his instrument. The singer/bassist, Matt Baker, Is extremely good at his craft as well as being funny as hell and having an excellent stage prescense. And the guitarist, Paul Smith, absolutely kicks ass!!! They're work reminded me very much of old-school Primus, but with even more edge... And opening the show with "The Imperial March" from Star Wars was a nice touch.  Since the vast majority of the staff here at TW have blogs or livejournals, you can now get to these pages via this pulldown menu. |
I've been hammer away at this particular issue for the better part of 24 hours, for various reasons... in other words, I'm not exactly in the mood for a long winded introduction. Relieved? Yeah? Fuck you. I'm gonna chew your goddamn ear off next week fuckers. If you wanna know what's been going on, read my damn blog. Anyway, this week we see the addition of a new crew member! Dragonlady has been a good friend of mine for some time now and it turns out that she is quite the talented writer as well. Plus she's a huge fan of our work and has that same sick sense of humor that makes her fit in well here. Her first article is definately a winner. Plus she's really hot, and that's always a plus. In addition to her article, my intrepid assistant Ford has not only done his standard bang up job on the comic strip this week, but he also wrote an extremely long, but hilarious, article on immigration for this issue. Of course, we also have our standard jokes (two this week) and funny photo sent in by Broken Halo, and of course, the pin-up, which is a good one this week. Beyond that, I'm not writing any more here. Enjoy the issue! -Reverend Mace  Alright, this is a rant that I know will piss off, oh, about 75% of you out there. I apologize to those of you who call 411 directory that are not anal sons (or daughters) of bitches. This is not directed at you in any way and I will look forward to talking with you in the future. To the rest of you tight asses, who are yelling at the poor operators on the other end over a number you received which was wrong, expecting us to be nice and give you credit: You can go hide in a trash compactor! So, what exactly is our job here at 411 you ask? Well, I will tell you. You call into information asking for a phone number. YOU provide the information: City and state, then the Listing. By the way, for all you airheads out there, a Listing, is the full reason you called information to begin with. Why did you call information? You either want a phone number, or have a phone number you want looked up. Either way, you have to tell us what you are looking for. If you do not have all the information then wait till you do, do not call expecting us to automatically KNOW what you are wanting, we are Not mind readers! Also, we do not always know the temperature at which a turkey is to be cooked in the oven, nor for how long. Thats what a cookbook is used for! And we are reasonably good spellers (almost always better than you retarded dumbfucks); however, don't get mad at us for not knowing how to spell your best friends (or believe it or not, family members) last name when it is as fucked up as Schooztleboatalatta (ending with a Pththth). This person is your friend or relative, shouldn't YOU know how to spell it? Think about this for a second: Put yourself on the other side of the ear piece. A customer calls in, you greet them in your friendly tone: “What city and state please?” (mind you with a smile in our voice) and sometimes you may get to finish the greeting, other times you are rudely interrupted with a “How Fucking hard is it to give me a right number? You had BETTER Fucking give me credit!!” And so on receiving further mental abuse. How would you feel, being the one who didn't give the wrong number? MY thought process goes to “What the fuck! I am not the one who programmed this piece of shit program! Nor am I the one who gave the tight ass fucktard a wrong number! And yet it seems its always My fault!” Really, I say “How Fucking hard is it to be Nice for once in your pitifully pathetic lives?” Wouldn't it make better sense to say, “Oh, I just got a wrong number, I would like to have credit.” I can guarantee that the operator will be understanding for we know that sometimes others in our department can be dimwitted and even bitchy: as well as knowing that the piece of shit program used in 411 directory is not always accurate or even specific (like having 3 numbers for one place and not tell us which is the main number or fax/computer line). And a good 80% of us are even courteous enough to even give you a verbal quote before giving a connection just to be sure of a correct or satisfactory number. But then again, most of you are probably not happy unless your bitching or belittling someone else to make your sorry asses feel better about yourselves. Furthermore, what the hell is up with this? “Well, I KNOW it exists! I am standing right in front of it!” Well Whoop-De-Fucking-Doo! If your right there, why don't you go in your own damn self, you lazy fuck! Duh! Is it so hard to take maybe 20 steps and go inside? You would not only save the money, but also gas (knowing your fat ass is still sitting in your car that is running to keep the air conditioner on) while you are being slothful little slugs. Besides, when we say: “I'm sorry... blah blah blah... I unfortunately do not see the number listed in my current.. blah blah blah” We don't mean its NOT there, it just not entered in the database. We have NO clue who you are and have absolutely NO reason to lie to you! It just surprises me that some of you stupid shits can be so idiotic to think that an operator would lie to you and not give you a number or even give you a wrong number. Think about that, it is obviously easier to just give you the right number so we can get you shit-retards off the line and talk to a (hopefully) more pleasant human being. Keep in mind, that most of us do still give you ungrateful shits credit, lord knows you will only call in again down the road and bitch further. To this end, I want to tell you cheap bastards: Have a horribly terrible day and rot in hell for all eternity. May your names never be damned. And for all you other, nice and pleasant callers: Have a wonderfully beautiful day, night, week, weekend, life! or My Solution To The Immigration Problem 
In 1999, during my last year at West Virginia University, the school had extensive work done to the basketball Colosseum. Rather than paying union wages to West Virginia workers, university president and general shitbag David Hardesty hired immigrant workers. I know this because I personally met several of them and talked with them extensively. Well, talked with them through a translator anyways as they barely spoke a word of English. Up until then I believed that the problem of illegal immigration wasn't very serious and the jobs being taken were only the ones that no Americans wanted to do. Certainly this was the case at one time and to a large degree it still is. I suppose it is possible the Mexicans I spoke with that night MAY have had green cards, MAYBE (I can't recall exactly as there was a LOT of drinking going on at the time), but this doesn't change the fact that jobs that should have gone to Americans went to non-Americans nor does it change the fact that Mexico is a long goddamn way from West Virginia. Now these workers weren't bad people, nor were they bad workers and I do sympathize with the fact that they come from a shitty situation in a shitty country. To an extent. Do I begrudge them wanting to work, to live, to make a better life for their families? No I don't. I understand the situation from the Mexican side. I also understand things from the American side. Rich assholes who have never had to work a day in their lives now have a source of labor that they don't have to pay union wages, or even minimum wage, to. If things are so terrible in Mexico that so many Mexicans are jumping an armed border to get into our country then why hasn't America, bringer of Democracy, done anything to change the regime? Because America is run by rich assholes that have never had to work a day in their lives right up to, and including, our psycho, moron, cowboy president. Yeah, I know, Bush has had several jobs, and been a decided failure at all of them I'd like to point out, but he never HAD to work. To him his jobs were more like hobbies and it shows in his performance of them. As Texan, if Bush ever did have to work a day in his life then he'd be a lot more for border control than he already is, but being a member of the ruling class of this country he'll make a big show of it and do little or nothing to curb the loss of American jobs. The rich have a vested interest in illegal immigrants because U.S. Citizens have rights they can't violate for long without some noise. If they violate the rights of illegals they pay a fine and the illegals get sent home. Just ask those fucking bastards at the WalMart corporation. See, this country was built by smart men. Men who knew how to build infrastructure, or at the very least not crush it when it started to develop. Problem is they all died and left their money to children who grew up never knowing what it meant to have no money and every generation it gets worse. Every society follows a certain pattern. People who are fed up with rich people who are out of touch with everyday life rise up and revolt and form a new society. Societies are always formed with the idea of fixing the problems with the last one and by and large I have to admit that each attempt seems to get a little bit better, but the underlying problem remains. The people who started things, the people who were concerned more with the people's success than their own eventually die and leave their money to the corrupt leaders of the future. Sam Walton, founder of the WalMart company was a fairly smart guy. He built a very successful business built on the back of American made merchandise. Then he died and left it to his stupid fucking children who were joined by stupid fucking stockholders who were the stupid fucking children of other stupid rich fucking people. They the started buying Chinese merchandise which they then put 'Made In The USA' stickers on (till they got caught) and the American businesses they do work with they bleed till they go out of business. They use strong arm tactics to get their prices as low as possible, force competitors out of business and hire illegal workers all to make their prices low so Americans will buy their products. What they fail to realize is that if Americans eventually have no jobs they won't be buying anything. The people that built this country knew things like that. Some time ago Maddox ranted about how the problem of illegal immigration would cease to exist if companies like WalMart were required to pay illegal immigrants the same wages as American workers. If they were required to do so they'd have no reason to hire illegals and I agree. Too bad this country is run by the owners of said companies. If our country was really concerned with the problem they could stop it today, but then they'd have to find someone else to mow their lawns, dust their antiques and take their children from the nanny to the private school that will help them become an even more sheltered and ultimately stupid leader of the future. And I think that's the bigger slap in the face. These rich pigfuckers could give a good job to an American for what is a pittance to them, but instead they hire someone they can treat like a slave so they can go out and buy another fucking car or some diamond encrusted fucking shoes or other such bullshit, but they think nothing of dumping tons of money on other rich people. When Kanye West said "George Bush doesn't like black people." he was only half right. George Bush and all the other cash-elitists in this country have nothing but contempt for anyone that isn't rich. The people in New Orleans that Mr. West was referring to were, in addition to being black, were mostly without wealth and if you're not wealthy George Bush doesn't give a fuck about you. See Paris Hilton? She's the perfect representation of what I'm talking about, she's just too fucking stupid to hide her contempt on TV. Everyone is an idiot in her eyes. After all, if they weren't stupid they'd be rich, right? I fucking detest Paris Hilton. I'd like to strip her naked, gag her and stick her in a pillory in the town square like in the old days. Then I'd shoot some crystal meth and fuck her in the ass while handing $100 bills to homeless people and I'd set up a mirror so I could watch the look of abject horror on her face. Maybe I should have kept that last bit to myself. Oh well. Rich people will throw money at each other all day long, but they're threatened by the idea of any new rich people and that fear is damaging American society perhaps beyond repair. It's even an insult to them 'Neuvo Riche' (literally, new rich) because if you didn't inherit your money then you may have had to work for it and that they can't abide by. Only people that are too stupid to be rich have to work. Even the derogatory term 'Wetback' refers to, if I'm not mistaken, people that have worked in the fields and soaked their shirts with sweat. Only to the rich fucks in this country could a sign of actual honest work be turned into an insult. New rich people are usually at least a little bit smarter than third or fourth generation millionaires that have been handed every fucking thing they've ever wanted, but they're a threat to the status-quo so the rich have built a system to keep everyone else down. The farthest down in North America just so happen to be, well, the farthest down in North America. Don't feel too bad about it though, rich people would treat you the same way they treat Mexicans if the leaders before them hadn't made it so difficult for them to do so. There's a wonderful justice in the idea that the leaders of yesterday, in escaping they tyranny of the previous society, set up hindrances to future tyrants not realizing that they'd be, to some extent, their own descendants. This process just happens to have happened a lot quicker in Mexico and their political system is so corrupt so as to be completely ineffective. They have no infrastructure to speak of and life there pretty much sucks. At least for most of the Mexicans. If you're an American at one of the American owned resorts then life is pretty fucking sweet. So the best opportunity for the average Mexican is to come here and take, not steal, TAKE a job that's being freely offered them by people who don't have to worry about losing a job. Hundreds of them do so every day. If those in charge of America really wanted to stop this they could build a case that those entering our country illegally are, in escaping intolerable circumstances at home, are seeking political asylum here. This, it could be reasoned, is an argument for gross human right violations on the part of the Mexican government. That, in turn, could be an argument for invading Mexico and setting up a new Democratic government. If that sounds paranoid or far-fetched to you just remember that what I've just described is a better line of reasoning than the one that got us involved in our current war in the middle east. Too bad Mexico doesn't have much oil. Well, not since we took Texas anyway. So what's my solution to the problem of illegal immigrants and how does my rant about society relate to it? People of Mexico, if you want a better life don't come here looking for it. Make it better at home, have a revolution. That's right, I'm calling on the citizens of Mexico (and by extension most of east Los Angeles) to take up arms against your government. Start over. Hell, we're going to have a revolution in this country sometime in the next 30 years and believe me you'd rather fight one of your own than be caught in the shit storm that's going to erupt here. If there's any way I can help with the planning of said revolution I can be contacted at Ford_Maverick@hotmail.com. Any Americans reading this, or hell ANYONE reading this, I encourage you to help as well. Not only will it make life better for the Mexicans it'll send a good fucking message to politicians in this country. And while I'm on the subject of American politics, STOP REELECTING PEOPLE! Fuck those fatback assholes! Elect some NEW fatback assholes! By reelecting the same rich motherfuckers over and over (or their children) you're just furthering the decline of this country and hastening the revolution that must happen to fix things. In short, David Hardesty, a little man who's trying very hard to get into the Big-Boy club of rich people, hired foreign citizens over residents of his own fucking state and I'm not so naive' as to believe that was an isolated incident. This will continue to happen until the center cannot hold and one or both of our economies collapse. I mean, lets face it, the Mexican citizens that are industrious enough to get here obviously aren't performing jobs in Mexico and this has to be damaging what little economy Mexico has left. The issue isn't that they're taking substandard jobs for substandard pay, it's that the assholes in charge are GIVING them the jobs. Nobody can TAKE a job. If they could I'd be oiling up swimsuit models for a living and making damn good money at it. If you disagree with anything I've said you can blow me. I'm not saying I may be wrong about any given point, I may be, but I can't be wrong about ALL of them. Especially the bits about rich people. But even if I am wrong about all of it at least I provoked enough of a reaction for you too look for proof of my wrongness. Besides, I'm so full of amphetamines right now I could give a fuck. VIVA MEXICO!  Photo sent in by Broken Halo |