December 22, 2006
 Submitted by Broken Halo Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols." Christmas Carols for the Disturbed !!!!!! 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...    By: Reverend Mace Band Profile of the Week By: The Dancer http://www.myspace.com/maidritet MaidRite How cute are chicks in house dresses and aprons who play the spoons? What are you kidding me with this shit? They are so uncool that they are cool. No - they are beyond cool. A shitload of hippie chicks jamming the bluegrass. That is pretty much my definition of a good time.  Since the vast majority of the staff here at TW have blogs or livejournals, you can now get to these pages via this pulldown menu. |
Bahmotherfuckinghumbug!!!! That's right, folks, another Christmas is upon us. I probably wouldn't be so incredibly pissed off about it if I wasn't broke as a joke this year... seems to be that way every year though. Seems like whenever it's time to go out and buy shit for my family and friends, I invariably find my wallet has nothing in it but cobwebs. Not surprising, really, but it does get kinda old. I think this year the thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that the retailers, especially Wal-mart (FUCK YOU SAM WALTON!!!!) actually had the common adacity to put out their Christmas shit this year BEFORE FUCKING THANKSGIVING! The corperate machine in this country makes me wanna fucking puke. Now, for those of you who didn't remember, The good Reverend IS a Christian... I'm just not a particularly good one. The upshot of that is that I am taking it upon myself, just like last year, to give you folks a not-so-gentle reminder of what this season is supposed to be about... a la Linus. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown. By the way... that was Luke 2:8-12 for you folks who don't read the bible... or read in general. Or of your spinning a drehdal or trimming a Kwanza bush or some other shit like that. Ok, so yeah, this is the Christmas edition of TerriblyWrongOnline.com. The upshot of that is that I get to rant aboutthe holidays, plus we run two Christmas jokes and have a special treat for you as far as the comics goes... No, we are still running the standard comic strip but in addition, we have a special Christmas E-card you can send to your friends. Also, for the ladies, if you want to know what your husband/boyfriend/whatever wants for Christmas this year, check out this weeks Funny Photo of the Week which was sent in bby our old pal and former proof-reader, PhillyGirl. Beyond that, we also have a nicely done rant from my dear little sister, Descending Angel. She was in rare form for this one. No holiday theme, but it really wasn't needed. This week's pin-up was brought to you by our own Ophelia. No, it ain't her (God I wish!) But she did take the photo. Anyway, Merry Christmas, folks. -Reverend Mace By Descending Angel  Where do we draw the line? That’s been my question as of late. A government that was founded upon freedom seems to be taking too many of its own liberties and removing those of its people. All hail New York City, banning trans fat from its restaurants – wait, when did the government get the right to tell me what I can eat? If a restaurant wants to make fatty food, let them. That’s why it’s good – it’s fattening! What next? Banning stores from selling foods with trans fat? Oh, how about we eliminate real sugar – we have lots of diabetics out there. And for the love, no more carbonated beverages – do you know what that shit does to your body? I guess it started with cigarettes. Now that I look back on it, shit, what did we do? We just set the bar for the government to limit us according to whatever they want to say is best. Some people are fat, so we’ll take away the option for foods that make them fat. No. If they’re fat, they’ll always be fat. It’s just how it is. Now instead of eating lots of fatty foods, they’ll eat even more less-fatty foods. Why? Because they’re FAT and will just increase the volume to make their usual fat level because that’s what fills them up! Seriously, I’m getting a little paranoid. You can track me (and listen to me) at any time by my cell phone, read any electronic message I send out, take pictures of me anywhere via satellite, and now you’re telling me what I’m allowed to eat. And what is the general populous doing about it? Nothing. Hey, I’m the blame, too. I haven’t taken many steps to secure my liberties. I don’t really know what to do. I did vote against stem-cell research though. Love me, hate me, I don’t give a shit. It’s like cigarettes. And don’t bullshit me about helping people and Parkinson’s disease and Michael J. Fox – I watched my grandpa waste away to the disease and now of my elderly family friends is going through it, too. I know how hard it is. I know it sucks and, yes, I do want a cure. But that is not the way to go about it. I don’t need people playing God with fetuses. It’s life, whether the fetus is wanted or not. All this is reminding me of “The Island.” I’m not willing to mess with human life just to try and make mine better. And I don’t want to be the test subject either. I don’t need the government regulating what’s best for me. I’m an intelligent creature in a country that was founded on the principle that we are intelligent enough to be allowed to make our own personal choices. Maybe I seem a bit hypocritical because I’m for personal choices, but against the choice to donate a fetus for scientific research. I don’t see it that way because that fetus is a life in and of itself and where is its choice in the matter? It’s not restricting the freedom of someone, it’s protecting an otherwise helpless life. Is there a point to this? Do I have some miracle cure or plan of action? No. I just see how we could become slaves monitored every second of our lives if the right people wanted to do it and wanted you to be aware. This is what every man REALLY wants for Christmas...  photo sent by PhillyGirl |